Captive Audience

Captive Audience

Tonight I went to my second Murfreesboro Writers’ Group meeting. The first time I went, I read a song I recently wrote while on a plane ride. It was called “Fragmented Patches.” Maybe I’ll post it later. I don’t know. Do you want to read it?

I joined the writers’ group for a few reasons. I want to meet new people. I work at home so I have a limited workplace sphere of influence. Through this group, I can influence people. I haven’t been writing very much and I wanted motivation to start again. I have nothing else to do on the second and fourth Wednesday of every month. I used to have Life Group that night, but ours now meets on the second and fourth Sundays of the month.

This writers’ group is a HUGE witnessing opportunity. Huge. Huge. As you’re surely aware, writing is a deeply personal activity. Writers write what they feel. And, if they claim to have no feelings, they make up characters who have the feelings the writer is denying.

What you may or may not know about writers is that they generally value each other’s work highly. For example, this particular writers’ group is for constructive criticism only. There is no tearing down of work, thought or concepts. There are many compliments. Several people are impressed by other people. A lot of the attendees in this group are writing novels and short stories. I am mostly focusing on poetry. When I read a poem, some of the writers have no concept of how to construct a poem. They are in awe of the entire poetry genre. To them, it’s a terribly interesting thing that they like but don’t know how to do.

As I was casually seated in my oversized Barnes and Noble chair, I quickly realized how crucial this opportunity is for me. I can write about whatever I want and they have to sit there and listen to me. The same goes for them. I have to sit there and listen to whatever they say too.

I am a Christian. My life is Christ. Naturally, I write about Jesus/God/the Holy Spirit/worship. Some of these folks “aren’t religious.” Those are their words, not mine. But they are intrigued by the things I’ve written and shared. They find what I say interesting and eloquent.

That’s good, because I prayed they would. I asked God to soften their hearts and make them receptive to the Truth that I’ll deliver. I also asked Him to protect me from any harmful subject matter that the other writers detail.

My first week, I read the part of a flirty, vampire girl. That’s so not my life. But this lady was writing a play and she needed people to read the lines. That was the part I was given.

I’ve heard stories of other-worldly mutant dogs; vampires; back-from-the-dead brothers; a pre-meditated, adultery-headed man; sword-chasing, sci-fi fantasy characters and a seriously demented mortician. Oh the imagination writers have!

And to that spattering of ideas and fantasies, it’s my task to bring Jesus.

I must be intentional with the stuff I present. I have a captive audience. Literally. In two ways. One, they are captive and must pay attention to what I say. Two, they are captives, bound in the lies of the enemy. With the truth that I share through my poems/songs/potential novels, I will hope they see freedom. And, in turn, desire to grasp that freedom.

So, if you’re reading this and you believe in Jesus, please pray for me. I have a unique and powerful opportunity. I’m very excited. I like being spurred to write again, too. It’s such a catharsis for me. I get a little giddy thinking about the possibilities of the words that will come out.

Ending Is Beginning

Ending Is Beginning

My blog title is a shout out to Downhere. I’m listening to them play live right now at a GMA showcase. I wanted to go, but had other plans. So I’m watching/listening to a live stream of their set isntead. Their latest CD is called Ending Is Beginning. It’s very good. You should purchase it.

Though I love the band Downhere and their music. This blog is not about them.

It’s about BarlowGirl.

Depending on how well you know me, you know/or you don’t know/or are slightly aware of/or are overly aware of how much I love this band. I do not love them in a fanish, obsessive way. On the contrary. I love them like they are family.

Allow me to explain myself. Whether you take me seriously about my “love them like they are family” comment or not, I’m still going to continue. Be skeptical if you wish. But trust me and know that I am speaking in the utmost pure sincerity about this.

For the last four years of my life, I have faithfully served on the leadership team of BarlowGirl’s message board. It’s called SoundPost. The name is further shortened to SP. Hope you can keep up with all the names/references.

For pretty much every single day of the last four years, I have spent at least an hour (an hour was required) working on that message board, reading posts, answering questions, telling other leaders about problem areas/posts/people and doing other things. Most days, I was on there for well more than an hour. I was assigned to The Band and The Concerts section. I read and answered all sorts of questions about them every day. I’ve garnered ridiculous amounts of trivial BarlowGirl knowlege. Their height, their hair color, their eye color and their many middle names, just to mention a few. I’ve told little 12 year olds not to idolize them. I’ve told creepy middle-aged men to stop objectifying them. I’ve defended them. I’ve helped solve many an internet crisis over issues such as copyright infringement. I’ve laughed at their podcasts and prayed for their needs. I even sang on their Christmas album Home For Christmas because I’m in the choir that they use everytime they record an album. I’ve waited after concerts to talk to them, check in on them encourage them and give them a hug. I’ve done a lot. All in joyful service and all for the advancement of the Kingdom.

And now, as of tomorrow moring at approximately 7 a.m. Central Standard Time, that season of my life is officially over because the message board is closing down. Why is it closed down? In short, because God told them to close it down. God told them that the season of SP is over. 

I agree with His Will for that. I’m in total submission and understanding of His directive to close the message board. I know that God is moving every person on SP into a new season. He’s going to do great things for all of us if/when we allow Him to. I’m excited and expectant for what He’ll do.

When I sign out of SP for the final time tonight, I know I’ll be sad. A four-year-span of service is a long time. When something that impactful is gone and no longer, it will affect people. It will affect me deeply.  I’m emotionally, physically and devotedly invested in this band and their ministry. I’m part of it. I’m not saying that in a prideful way. However, I am saying it just to say it. I took part in something amazing. I’m so honored God allowed me to do that.

I’m not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is. So I can get my feelings out. So I can say a final goodbye to SoundPost. So I can tell you all to check out BarlowGirl. So I can tell you to trust God when He speaks to you and tells you to move on to the next season. The Barlow family and everyone that serves on their ministry team are truly and sincerely and genuinely amazing people. I’m not saying that shallowly. I’m saying it because I know from experience.

*deep sigh* I could say a lot more about a lot of different things. Maybe I will another day. Or maybe I won’t.

Thank you SP and Barlow family for your ministry. God has done so much through you. Your humility and obedienceto God have allowed Him to shine through you so clearly. Who you are and what you do have impacted me in so many ways. I can stand strong in my singleness beause of you. I can stand as a person free from a terrible addiction because of you. I have met so many people through your ministry. I’ve realized a lifelong dream of singing on a CD. 

I cannot thank you enough for your contribution to my life. 

Now…on to the next, exciting season. *lighter sigh*

I’m ready, Lord. Lead me as I walk in Your ways…

Money Matters

Money Matters

Guess what!?! Another blog about money.

I can understand why God said what He said about serving two masters–God and money. They really do compete with each other.

Allow me to explain. I’m currently in the fundraising stage for my trip to the Dominican Republic. I’ve received one check thus far. Although I am thankful for that, I also realize I’ve got a long way to go.

I used to live in Nebraska. Now I live in Tennessee. Many of my support letters were sent to folks in Nebraska. I understand the United States Postal Service takes awhile. Things take a week to get where they’re going rather than a few days. So I understand there is a delay due to the mail and the distance. I’m trying to roll with that.

My roommate, who is also going on this trip, has lived in Tennessee all her life. Just last week, she went to her old church and her brothers’ church to fundraise. She came home with about $700. I am thrilled for her that her fundraising trip went well! However, meanwhile, I am battling thoughts of comparison. I keep thinking to myself, “I wish I could go back to the church I went to as a kid and ask for money. I bet I’d get a lot. And all in one day. I wouldn’t have to wait for letters to come in either.”

One of my greatest mental battles is comparison. If I’m not careful, I constantly compare myself to others. I size them up. Put them down. Lift them up. Over and over and over again. Though that’s a normal thing to do for most people, it is not a biblical thing to do.

In the Bible, God says that we need to compare ourselves to His standard and not compare ourselves to other people. So I should not compare my fundraising results with those of my roommate. But wow! I am oh-s0-tempted to do that all the time. I’m am currently enduring a mental barrage from Satan with that particular issue.

I am also enduring a mental attack of fear and worry. Fear that I won’t receive the money I need to go. Fear that I’ll miss fundraising deadlines. Fear that I didn’t put enough effort in to my fundraising. 

God says that perfect love casts out fear. He also says that worrying does not add even an hour to my life, so I don’t need to worry. Yet that is what I’m dealing with now. Last night, for example, I was attacked by the enemy in that area. My sleep was interrupted and delayed because of thoughts of worry.

James chapter 1 says that we need to be doers of the Word and not just hearers. So though I know I’m not supposed to worry and fear, that’s not enough. I also need to stop doing those things. It’s not enough to just realize that fear and worry are bad. I, instead, need to be a person of faith and peace.

Last week, I heard a sermon on unbelief. That’s a big issue under hot contention within my mind right now. 

Unbelief is thinking I won’t receive all the funds. Unbelief is worrying. Unbelief is spending my days in fear.

Belief is knowing that God will provide. Belief is living full of faith. Belief is enjoying days and nights in peace.

Unbelief is a passive destruction of faith.

Belief is an active war for faith. 

It’s annoying how alluring and easy unbelief is. It’s so easy to hide in a dark corner of our mind in an effort of self preservation. We think it’s not harmful to be full of doubt and be surprised when something works out for us. That right there is deceptive thinking.

Here’s the truth. The God that created the world out of nothing–FROM NOTHING–lives inside of me. The Holy Spirit was present when the world was created. And now the Holy Spirit is inside of me. It’s at work inside of me. The same God that raised Jesus from the dead…that Holy Spirit is inside of me. And, it’s not just a portion of the Holy Spirit. God is infinite. Infinity cannot be reduced. The infinite God and His power lives inside of me.

And yet, I have the worried fear to doubt Him and His ability?!? Does that even make sense? It does not. Yet it seems safer to doubt Him.

If God can create the world out of nothing (and He can; He did), then He can provide me $1400. He can spur His people to send me a check. He can protect me. He can give me sleep-filled, peaceful nights. 

It is not safe to live in unbelief. God disciplines people who live in unbelief. God rewards people who believe. Although I’m glad God disciplines His children, I don’t want to enter into a time of discipline because of my unbelief.

So here I am writing this blog. As an active measure of faith. To say, “Yes, God. I believe you will provide. Help my unbelief.”

Idolness

Idolness

I’m watching the Tennessee Titans play the New York Jets at LP Field in Nashville.

The Titans are 10-0 right now and are currently losing to the Jets. Maybe they’ll be 10-1 after this is over. Maybe they’ll be 11-0. It’d be nice to stay undefeated but I really don’t care that much if they lose or win. I just cheer for the Titans cuz I live in Nashville.

A few minutes ago, the Jets scored to make the score 20-3 in favor of the Jets. After catching the football, the touchdown-acquiring receiver ran out of the back of the end zone. Fans quickly started slapping his pads and patting him on the back in praise for what he’d done.

While watching that scene, something struck me. Fans clamor to touch famous people. Famous athletes. Famous actors. Famous musicians. Famous folks. We’ve all seen mobs of fanish individuals hound and surround the prey of their feverish attention and devotion. All of this energy and focus goes into just touching someone famous. Or talking to someone famous. Or trying to develop a relationship with someone famous.

I’m a people watcher so I notice this sort of thing a lot. And, since I live in Nashville, I’ve got ample opportunities to see the fans interact with the famous. It’s mesmerizing to watch a fan pour out all of their love for the famous in mere seconds. Because that’s all they have. Fifteen seconds to tell a football player he’s awesome before he runs away to the sidelines. Thirty seconds to declare unending devotion to a drummer in an autograph line before the security guard ushers in the next fan.

After a momentous (and I say momentous because it contains the word moment, implying a short amount of time) encounter with someone famous, a fan can be on a high for hours, days, weeks, months and even years. A moment becomes a lifelong memory. A moment that the famous person will probably not even remember will be forever inscribed on the mind of the fan.

Does all of this seem weird to you? Does it appear extreme? It should. That’s what I’m going for. I hope you felt awkward when reading about the fan/famous relationship.

I know this has been said before, but it’s weird and wrong and backwards to watch thousands of people scream praises to athletes/musicians/actors and accept that as normal. Human hero worship is not normal. It’s abnormal. it’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

We were created to worship God. The only (once) human we should worship is Jesus. It should feel and appear and look normal to worship God. Yet, to most, it doesn’t. Most people feel awkward worshiping God publicly. Most won’t scream praises as loud as they can to their Creator.

Even I feel that. I feel compelled to scream as loud as I can at a football game to try and spur on my team to victory. Yet, in church, when my pastor instructs me to show God my praise and thanksgiving for what He’s done in my life, something holds me back. Something constrains my total volume of gratitude toward God.

Maybe it’s the age-old unwritten rule that I’m supposed to be quietly reserved, respectful and reverent in church that stops me. *shrug* Probably.

Let’s put it in perspective. Jesus Christ enduring the crucifying cross as payment for my sin is way more praise-worthy than a Titan scoring a touchdown. WAY MORE. The touchdown doesn’t eternally matter. Jesus’ sacrifice does.

Back in the day (as in when Jesus was alive) people really did clamor just to touch the hem of His garment. They knew they’d be healed if they touched Him. I wonder if most of the world has forgotten that time in history. I know things would be different if people started remembering how powerful God’s healing is.

As my last blog said, there’s a huge Bible illiteracy epidemic. If more people read the Bible and worked to understand it, they’d remember how heralded Jesus was. If Christians weren’t so irrelevant and actually lived their lives in relevant reverence of God, then people would see that only God should be worshiped. Biblical Christians know that God has healing power and they walk in that healing power. They administer His healing power. They testify to His healing power. That’s life changing. That’s eternal.

The football game is now over.  The undefeated Titans just lost. Now thousands of fans are upset with them. Now they are held in less reverence.

God never loses. He never makes mistakes. His will and timing are perfect. The Father, Son and the Holy Spirit are the undefeated Team. Hold Them in reverence. Worship Them. Do everything you can to encounter Them.

Don’t set your sights and desires on the idols of this world. They will only disappoint you.

Time Doesn’t Diffuse Promises

Time Doesn’t Diffuse Promises

I don’t think this blog will be as well put together as most of my other blogs. It usually takes me anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour to edit, proofread, delete, add, change, think, redo, etc., etc. my blogs.

However, this time, I just need to release my thoughts and writerize (the writing form of verbalize) what’s going on in my head.

So let’s get to it…

God’s promises don’t change. God isn’t like people. Humans promise things and often fail to deliver. “I promise you, I’ll love you forever.” Years later, a tragic divorce.

“There’s no way I’ll miss your game, son.” Caught up in the busyness of his day, a father fails to show up to his young son’s soccer game.

“Your secret’s safe with me. Don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.” The next day, gossip encircles a young female as she realizes her trusted friend betrayed her confidence.

God doesn’t do that. When He says He’ll do something, He will do something.

I am trying to pound this point into my head. I cannot compare God to man. I cannot gauge my trust level of God based on my human experiences.

God promised me a job on the MTSU campus. He confirmed it through His Word, the Bible. He’s confirmed it in the Spirit. He’s affirmed and confirmed it through other people in my life. He speaks to me specifically about the job when I go to pray on campus.

Yet, I still find myself doubting what He said. I still feel me slipping into times of pensive consideration of, “Well, what if He doesn’t? What if I don’t get a job there? What if I’m not hearing Him? What if I’m left disappointed?”

God isn’t an “if” God. God is a “truth” God.

The truth is that God doesn’t lie. The truth is that God doesn’t deny Himself. The truth is that time doesn’t diffuse God’s promises. Waiting doesn’t weaken the promises of God. In the words of Joyce Meyer, we want “microwave miracles” from God. We want it zapped to us right now.

The situation I’m in requires a crock pot miracle. It requires a slow brew of basting, tenderizing, flavorizing, slow-cooked goodness of perfect maturity.

A gap in time between promise and promise fulfilled doesn’t negate the promise. God spoke to me about this job a long time ago. His promise of a job is still true, though I still see no evidence of a job there. Though I have not been called for an interview. Though I’m still without job.

Here are a few segments of passages from the Bible that have really challenged me and convicted me on this particular subject:

Excerpts from Psalm 31:

In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

My times are in your hands….

Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you….

How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful

Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

Psalm 34:

I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;
he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Romans 4:

What does the Scripture say? “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.”

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed….

Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why “it was credited to him as righteousness.” The words “it was credited to him” were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead.

Scripture regarding my unbelief:

1 John 1:9-10:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

The way I see it, the only way that God is a liar and not telling the truth, is if I do not confess my sins. If I don’t continually confess my unbelief and doubt in this situation, then God is a liar.

Regarding the other passages, you’ll notice that I will not be ashamed, because His Word says so. I am looking to Him and pursuing the leading He’s given me. I will not be disappointed.

The only failure in all of this is unbelief. If I waver in faith, this is not credited to me as righteousness.

There is no punishment for believing God. But there is punishment for unbelief. The Word proves that I will not be disappointed. I will not be shamed. God is not a liar, so what He told me is true. He will deliver. He is my refuge.

In some twisted way, it seems more normal to be doubtful. Doubt defines the culture around me. Doubt feels safer. But, I am counter-culture. I am a woman of faith. I have seen the evidence and fulfillment of God’s promises in my life and in the life of others.

So, really, all things considered, believing is actually the safe thing here. Unbelief brings disappointment and discipline. Wavering brings spinning in a downward spiral of lost progress. Doubt brings in deception.

Belief brings truth. Belief brings fulfillment. Belief leads to promises fulfilled.

Walk On Top Of The Walls, Not Through Them

Walk On Top Of The Walls, Not Through Them

Today my roommate Shay and I attended an event called “Crossing The Boro.” Basically, a few of the churches in town joined together to walk across our city in a display of unity and prayer for the schools that the children in our churches attend.

(That was a long sentence.) Anyway…

Although our church was not/currently is not officially affiliated with this event/ministry, Shay and I thought it would be a good expression of support and unity to join with those churches in this walk. Anyone who wanted to come was invited, so we accepted the invitation.

The church that I attend is very purposeful and progressive in its pursuit of citywide church unity. Our lead pastor is very vocal about God’s heart for unity so, not suprisingly, the satellite congregation that I attend values unity as well.

Sadly, many churches would rather drink dirty toilet water than partner with another church/other churches. Denominational ego, pride, attendance stats and territory become an issue.

So, when Shay told me about this event happening in town, I was ecstatic! I heart unity!

At the end of the walk, there was a rally in a local elementary school. The leaders of “Crossing The Boro” told the elementary students present to get together by school and pray for their teachers, faculty and classmates.

Since Shay and I are no longer in elementary school and don’t have children, we silently prayed in our seats.

As I was praying, I asked God to break down the walls between churches and schools. After I said that, I received a vision from Him.  Take note that I’m telling this story with just me in it, but when I say “I,” it also includes everyone in my church.  It was just easier to write this in first person. Here it is:

Standing before me was a very large wall that I could not get through. It was impenetrable. I was trying to kick through the wall and find a way to break it down. Instead, God picked me up and lifted me to the top of the wall. Upon arriving there, I realized that the wall was wide enough for me to walk on safely and comfortably. I began to walk on top of the wall. As I walked, I saw all of the divided segments of the city down below. Each had it’s own compartmentalized space, surrounded by walls. In some of the compartments, there were churches. Their influence only reached to the edge of their walls. In segments without churches, no one was able to get to them and show them Christ because of the walls. As I continued my wall trekking, I saw other churches being lifted up from their segmented areas below and beginning to walk the walls. I continued walking and I eventually encountered the other churches. We introduced ourselves and stopped together to pray for citywide church unity. After we finished praying, we walked together further along the wall. Eventually, we met more churches, stopped together to pray for unity and then kept walking together. This process was repeated until all of the churches had met and prayed. By this time, we came to a central, larger portion of the wall where we could all congregate together. We prayed prayers of thanksgiving, unity and praise to God one last time in our large group. When the final prayer was finished and we opened our eyes, we were surrounded by one fortified wall around the city instead of dividing walls inside the city.

That is an awesome vision, yeah? I think so! I love how God showed me a totally different perspective than what I asked Him for. He said, “Well, Lindsay, that’s a noble thing to pray for, but I have a better idea. C’mon, let’s go for a ride.”

Not only was it a prophetic picture, but it was also a keen reminder for me to be flexible and willing to do things God’s way. I could stand and try to kick down a wall by myself for years and have no success. But partnering with others in corporate community in humble submission to God’s command will bring exponential movement.

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In lieu of Coke, I drank sweet tea

In lieu of Coke, I drank sweet tea

You’d think that after sitting around and thinking for three weeks that I’d have wonderful things to say.

You’d think my words would be eloquent and divinely inspired.

You’d think they would be full of revelation and profound truth.

You’d think…

I’d say that, yeah, I have learned a lot in this time. Yeah, I do have great things to say. Sure, if I sat here long enough and proofread every word three times this blog would flow seamlessly. Certainly I’ve received words of comfort from God. But I don’t know if I’d term them revelationary. (Yeah. That’s a new word.)

My roommate suggested that I fast something until I get a job. I decided to fast pop/soda/coke/cola/soda pop. Truth is, I’d often find myself plotting ways to go out and buy pop. I’d plan my day around my cola intake. I’d say that’s a case of the flesh overtaking my self control. Time out for a mini-lesson. Your flesh is your sinful, lustful, selfish side. Your spirit (that is, if you’re a Christian) is the God-seeking, submissive, righteous, holy side.

Since last week, I’ve not had any pop. It hasn’t been that hard to abstain from drinking it.

However, I noticed that I started drinking sweet tea and eating more candy bars instead. Rather than totally overcoming the urge for sugar, I just transferred the method of sugar intake. Not exactly a successful fasting exercise.

Good news is that I realized this was happening and I’ve taken steps to properly align myself, God, the flesh and my desires.

Some of you may find it weird that I have to starve my flesh into submission. I don’t find it strange. I find it necessary. Contrary to the way America works, our flesh and self-fleshness (‘nother new word combo) are not in charge. The flesh shouldn’t rule all of our desires. We shouldn’t go about our lives driven by our latest lust.

If I’m not careful, I find myself scheming for the next thing that I want. Take now, for example. I want an iPod Touch. My flesh is convinced that I have every good reason to have one. Examine the truth and you’ll find that I already have an iPod Nano. The Nano works fine. I’m unemployed and frankly cannot and should not afford another iPod right now. The main reasons I want an iPod Touch are so I can have wireless connectivity and email wherever I am. I want to beef up my cool factor. I want to have another toy to play with.

I don’t need a new iPod. I just want one. For totally stupid reasons.

If I were still employed, I would’ve purchased that iPod around the time I got laid off. I thought I had enough money to do pretty much whatever I wanted. I was planning a trip to New Mexico. I had a newly-deposited stimulus check from the government sitting in my bank account, waiting to be used. I was loving work. I was rolling in self competency.

And then all of that dreaminess and money freedom ended on a Tuesday morning when my boss came in and said my position had been eliminated.

I went from iPod dreams to an, “I’m unemployed,” reality.

Three weeks later, here I am with my third (perhaps fourth blog) about the fact that I’m unemployed. I still haven’t lost hope. I’m still expecting God to do great things.

Here’s what’s different:

1. I’m no longer controlled by my flesh (and ultimately Satan; since he drives all pursuits of the flesh).

2. I’m stewarding the money God has allowed me to temporarily use as my own to pay my bills, sow the seeds of His kingdom and give back to Him mainly in increments of 10%.

3 I’m a prisoner of hope. All I can do is hope. I cannot be negative because I find no moral, spiritual, physical, mental or sensical reason to be negative.

4. I enjoy my life everyday because I’m desperate for God, His provision, His work, His might, His comfort and His promises. I’ve learned the lesson that I need to be desperate for God all of the time. On the good days, the bad days, the sad days, the glad days. All days must be desperate days. Apart from God, I can do nothing. I was aware of that verse and concept but I just didn’t quite get it until I found myself in desperation.

I used to be ashamed of desperation. I have always been the put-together, proud person. I would only tell my life story experiences after they were wrapped up, taken care of and had a happy ending.

And now I am desperate…and I am celebrating it! I need God–more than I need a happy ending, more than I need a great job, more than I need a husband, more than I need food on the table.

In my current mental movie, I see the Nashville skyline on the left and God standing on the right. I hear Him say, “Do you choose to be alone with everything–your dream job, a good paycheck and friendly coworkers? Or do you choose Me alone, your everything? What do you want? Commuter? Or community? Do you want to be alone in your car on the way to work most of your life? Or do you want to work in the community where you live and build relationships with the neighbors around you?”

As I gaze upon the city skyline, I sigh. I see falsely glamorous, busy activity and aimless pursuits in circular, repetitive motion. When I fix my eyes upon Him, my Creator, I see true peace. I see a flowing river next to a stable, rooted, healthy tree.

Without vision, the people perish. Thankfully, you’ve just witnessed me receiving something revelationary.

I choose He alone, my everything.