Yesterday was my birthday. As I sat in my car during my lunch break today, I pondered to myself, “I wonder if this’ll be the year that I find a boy….*corrects self*…a man. I wonder if I’ll find a man this year. Is this the year, God? Is it?”
Since I’m 365 days older now, it was a natural point of reference to wonder about such a thing. I’d think the same sort of stuff on January 1st. It’s a new year, so I casually wonder what God has in store for me.
Mind you, I’m not worried. I’m not craving every moment of my day to find a man to betrothe and live with forever. I’m not pining over every male that I see walk by me. I’m not even sad that I’m single. I actually rather like it. I’m fully aware that God uses my single years to draw me closer to Himself. I appreciate and value my intimacy with Him.
As I munched on my Cheetos, I wondered further, “Will I get married, God? Aren’t I supposed to be fully satisfied in You? I know the Bible doesn’t promise that I’ll get married. That’s not a guarantee. I’m not unhappy this way.”
Really. I’m not unhappy.
I continued further, “Although, I would really appreciate that level of companionship with someone. I’d love to know someone that fully and completely. I would love to have that eternal companion.”
I took a break and reminded myself that married people aren’t married in heaven.
“Well, eternal as far as life on earth goes. I would love not to be alone when I go to major family events. I’d love to have my own 4th of July celebration with my family–my husband and my kids–instead of hanging out with some other family that I don’t even really relate to.
I surmised that I don’t dwell on my current lack of marriage and companion relationship. That makes me happy.
However, I was then reminded of something else. I often size a brother up. I see a guy at church that I know is single and I think to myself, “Yeah…he’d be a good husband. I think we’d fit.” Or…”No…he focuses too much on exercise. I wouldn’t wanna think about health that much.”
One of my greatest weaknesses is sizing people up. I do it for everyone, male or female. I know it’s wrong. I know I shouldn’t be so comparative and critical. But so often, I am. Let me tell you that I’m a lot better at not comparing than I used to be, but it’s still a purposeful mental battle for me not to be instantly judgmental.
I don’t pine after men. But I do size them up according to my personal scale.
It’s honestly a mild form of objectification. I take a man’s character and life and compare it to my personal ideals and desires. It’s a great struggle. One that the world thinks is stupid to even be concerned about.
Subconsciously or totally blatantly, I’m thinking about marriage when I size up a guy.
It makes me feel kinda shameful too. I’m a tad hesitant to even mention this to the world public. However, I think it’s something important to be discussed and admit. After all, the Bible calls us to confess our sins to one another so that we can grow and be held accountable.
My roommate mentioned that she didn’t think I’d get married this year. I agree with her. As long as this sized-up comparison continues, singleness will continue.
I have had days and weeks of breakthrough with this. Sometimes I see my Christian brother and don’t think of them in a comparative way at all. However, some days I do.
So as I tame this comparative mind of mine, please hold me accountable. And don’t be surprised if you find yourself behaving the same way. If ya do…let’s talk. I have years of experience.