Tag Archives: depression

Topical Depression

Nope.  I’m not depressed.  I’m just sad that I can’t come up with one topic to blog on so that’s where the name came from.  I’m having a topical depression. 

1) I’m going to the Dominican Republic (a.k.a. the DR) in July on a mission trip. I think I’ve said that before. We had our first meeting for the trip last Friday. I’m happy to finally have more information about the trip. I need to send out support letters…like…yesterday.

2) I led worship for the first time yesterday at our Sunday service. It was really fun. It went well, too. I didn’t make any big mistakes. Well, I did start singing the wrong notes in rehearsal. But rehearsal doesn’t count, right? And I also–according to my roommate–make my hand singnals to0 big and for too long. I sort of agree with her. I’ll have to work on that for next time. The reason I make them for so long is because I’m afraid the other people on the worship team won’t see them. *shrug* Again, I said I’ll work on it.

3) I went to my first piano lesson last Tuesday. I have another one tomorrow. I purchased a keyboard. It’s a Kawai. Apparently it’s a quality brand. I’d never heard of it before, but I don’t really know what/who makes a good piano/keyboard. I read reviews online and people said good things. Besides, it was the only decent one I could get that offered financing. I can’t just drop $800+ dollars in one day. I neeeeeed financing! I enjoy my piano teacher. I think she’ll teach me a lot. I don’t, however, enjoy the parking situation at the school. It’s actually a house in Franklin, TN. We park behind the house and there’s just not much room back there. Six cars have to squish in there. It makes me uncomfortable. I am a bad car parking person. It’s my unfavorite thing to do. Probably because I once backed into a grain cart and also side swiped (at 1 mph) a column in a parking garage…twice. :O Martina, if you read this, I’m talking about the parking garage for Salem when the office was located on Woodmont.

4) I just had to scroll up to see which number I was on.

5) I’m going to a women’s conference in Atlanta this weekend. It’s the national Foursquare Women’s Gathering. I’m excited to see how the Foursquare denomination behaves at a national level. I have never experienced that before.

6) I purchased a handheld GPS. It’s a Delorme Earthmate PN-40. I like it a lot. It’s quite accurate and comes with great mapping software. I use it for geocaching. It’s a fun activity that my roommate and I (and other friends) do on occasion. Since the weather is warming up we will start to do it more often. I’m excited to use the Delorme more often too.  I need to give it a name so I don’t have to keep calling it Delorme. My car GPS is called Maggie. My roommate’s car GPS is called Rico. Her handheld GPS is called Grim. Her car is called Ibe. My car is called Torrie. So…I just need a name for it. Maybe I’ll name it Dominic. Dominic Delorme.  I like that!

7) My February CD reviews have been published for the online magazine that I write for. You can find them here:

VOTA

Julianna Zobrist

8) I think that’s it for now. Nothing all that profound written here today. I do have things to say that mean a lot to me and are quite important. Perhaps on another day I will write about them.

Faux Real

It’s Wednesday.  Demonly enough, I’ve felt down every Wednesday in recent memory.  It’s strange because Wednesday nights I get together with my small group at church.  We eat, fellowship, worship God with songs and then hear an encouraging word.  Typically, that combination of stuff is awesome.  It’s enjoyable.  It’s uplifting. 

So why don’t I feel encouraged?  Why am I not counting down the minutes until I leave?  Well, I’ve chalked it up to persecution from Satan.  He’s got me down.  He’s got me unexcited.  He’s put a heaviness in my spirit.  I’ve attributed it to tiredness.  I’d rather stay here and sit on the couch or watch a movie and go to bed early.  I’d rather just sulk here in isolation and pet my dog.

It’s silly how doing uneventful, community-deprived things seem more intriguing to me than spending time with acquaintances.

Wait.  Acquaintances is the problem.  Though I’ve spent multiple hours with these people and even shared a lot of my heart and self with them, I feel like we are only on an acquaintance level.  I haven’t come to a level of dependency with them.  I don’t need them to carry out my day.  They’re an add-in, not essential.

And…what’s worse…is that we’ve talked about how we need to be more than people who meet every Wednesday.  We need to dig deep with each other.  We need to spend time outside of our small group.  We need to make a sacrificial investment of time to each other.

But…we don’t.

Or…I don’t.

It appears (from the outside) that others do spend time together.  Young couples visit each other and eat meals with one another.  Some of the college-aged guys hang out, too.

But me…I’ve distanced myself from them.  I think partly because I don’t want to make their problems my problems.  I don’t want the mental burden of what they’re dealing with. 

Another part of it is I don’t like surface conversation.  I never really have.  I want deep, sincere, loving relationships.  I want people that I long to talk to and connect with.  I don’t want to talk to someone who asks me the same bland question every time they see me: “So, Lindsay…how was work today?” 

*sigh*

Although, I’m reminded that my deep relationships now used to be surface relationships.  They started at a surface level.

However, they quickly changed to meaningful.  After one day or a few conversations, we were steadfast friends.  I’ve spent months with these folks and some of them still don’t even understand what I do at work.

Spirit-led vulnerability enhances relationships.  I haven’t been vulnerable.  Well…vulnerable enough.  I value quality time.  I haven’t really given these people my quality time.  I’ve given them my obligated time.  The hours that I feel I’m required to be there in order to be considered part of the small group.  They’ve got me out of duty, not necessarily depth.

Honestly, it pains me to still be at a surface level with them.  I’m nearly in tears writing about it.  I’m not exactly sure what it will take for me to break through to the next level.  But I do know I can’t wait for them to confide in me first.  I need to be a leader.

I need to be real instead of faux real.

I need to press through the heavy, sad spirit that has fallen upon me and emerge with a light, lifely spirit instead.

I need to enhance my relationships.