A lot of things weigh me down.  Past mistakes and regrets.  Jealousy and envy.  Dashed wishes.  Prior rejection.  My status and position in some venues of my life.  Countless sighs.  Carlessness.  Misunderstandings.

I can manage putting up a protective facade over some of these problems.  However, when I try and cover up several of them at a time, I turn into a miserable version of myself.  I portray awkwardness.  I make sloppy, quick-fix mistakes. 

I’m going through a season of seasoning.  I am the salt and light of the earth, according to the Bible.  In recent experiences and endeavors, I’ve lost a bit of my original flavoring.  Why?  Because I’ve continually covered myself in makeshift marinades that make me look good.  Problem is, those things that were supposedly making me look good, ended up making me look bad because I did those things in selfishness and fear.

Now I’m covered in a thick sauce of things that I don’t want to be anymore.  How do I remove things that’ve seeped into my very being?  How do I expel the lies that have made a home?  How do I keep the flavor of truth and remove the foulness of deception?

A phrase that came to mind a few days ago was, “God forgets; people don’t.”  God forgives when we repent and He forgets our transgressions never to remember them again.

People may forgive us for our blunders, but they won’t likely forget them.  I’m grateful for forgiveness.  But I hate the memories of pain that I’ve created for others.  I fear the synapses that were created because of my actions will too often fire in activity. 

And now I feel this overwhelming embarassment and shame. 

This Plumb song just played in my random iTunes shuffle:

“Phobic”

Iwatched you sit alone
I watched you cry your eyes out
Now tell me what you’ve done

Is it so bad that
I would shut you out
And leave you here alone

Yes, I saw what you did
I was right there with you
I won’t let you sink
No, I forgive you

Phobic
Don’t be
Grace needs a little more freedom
Phobic
Don’t be
Love needs room to breathe

I have watched you grow
And I’ve stood in your shadow
I’ve never walked away

I hung the stars and
I hold your heart
So, don’t ever be afraid

Yes, I know when you breathe
And I feel when you need
I won’t let you sink
No, I forgive you

Phobic
Don’t be
Grace needs a little more freedom
Phobic
Don’t be
Love needs room to breathe

You can be healed
You can be free
You can know peace
Never be afraid again

Phobic
Don’t be
Grace needs a little more freedom
Phobic
Don’t be
Love needs room to breathe

Never be afraid
Never be afraid
He’s here

*contemplative sigh*

Obviously, God’s speaking to me through that song.  I need to shed this sauce of fear so His grace and love can marinate me. 

I want to be seasoned by God, not by the mistakes that I’ve made or the sins I’ve comitted.

Only He can cleanse me completely.  Only He can make me white as snow. 

God, I pray that you would purify me and cleanse completely.  Submerge me in Your grace and love.  Create in me a clean heart.  Renew a right spirit within me.  Make me wholly yours.