I think a lot. Sometimes too much. I used to think that all my thinking was a good thing. I valued my enhanced intellectualism and self-proclaimed wisdom.
I’ve recently learned, through reading books by Neil T. Anderson, that my mind’s been prideful and deceived for most of my life.
It’s certainly been humbling to learn about all the ways that I’ve been misled. The higher, hidden corners of my mind were exposed for their lowness.
But that’s not the point of this blog. It’s just a pre-explanation for what’s to come. So I’ll get to it.
Since my mind is racing and pacing so often, it’s like I have a movie theater, TV and radio station going all the time. I rewind and replay my favorite movie and television clips. I beebop along to my personal MindTunes soundtrack throughout the day.
The benefit to all this synaptic activity is that I’m not bored because I can just tap into my mind media archive. The drawback is that there’s constant cranium commotion.
As a fallible human, I’ve done things in my past that I’m not proud of. You could even call them regrettable. While my mind replays movies and TV, it also replays memories of my past and ideal situations for my future.
I call the unhappy memories of my past Reel Regret, with word play on movie reels.
I used to punish myself thinking about things in my past that I could’ve done better, or shouldn’t have done at all. I thought I was disciplining myself and preparing myself for a better future.
The truth is that I’d let Satan use those reel regrets to distract me from what I should’ve been doing in those present moments. I spent many days in the reccesses of my mind, completely unattached to what was going on around me. I didn’t connect with people, I just idly observed them as I reviewed the replays in my mind.
It’s safe to say that I missed out on the development of several relationships because I was thinking and not interacting with my surroundings.
Since I’ve began reading the Neil T. Anderson books (and books by Joyce Meyer and others), I’ve gained a lot of insight on the proper way to think. I’ve loosed bondages in my mind and my life. I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been and my mind actually experiences times of quiet.
However, with the increase in my thought control, there’s also been an increase in mental attacks from Satan. He’s tried (and succeeded several times) to make me continue to regret things from my past. He pushes play on the reels of regret in my mind. And, if I’m not taking my thoughts captive, I spend hours rehashing old problems and rehearsing how I’ll act in the future to make up for what I didn’t do in the past.
Satan even uses good things that I’ve done or intended to do and made me feel bad about them. Recently, I planned on giving a CD to a friend because I knew she liked that band’s music. I forgot to give the CD to the friend when I saw her. As soon as I realized I forgot to give her the CD, an onslaught of regret and sadness assailed me. It took me two days to finally get over feeling bad about that. Not only did I beat myself up about not giving her the CD and rehash all the times I could’ve given it to her, I started pre-planning the next time I’d see her and what I’d say when I gave it to her and how I’d make up for my previous forgetfullness.
It’s incredibly distracting to think like that. But I used to do it all the time. I used to think it was good that I was so analytical. I actually thought myself better than others because I analyzed so many things.
*takes a deep breath*
I was once trapped in the prison of my mind. But now I’m free. However, Satan and his legions still follow me around ready and willing welcome me back into mental distraction.
Satan is a player. He pushes the play button of regret. He plays on my emotions. He plays with my mind.
I’m pushing stop, removing his demonic DVD and unplugging the cord.