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sick from hope

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Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

The Bible says so (Proverbs 13:12). And my life proves it.

The Sickness

I’m sick. Sick from hope. Sick from waiting. Sick from wondering what will happen next. Sick from being sick of being sick of this sickness.

*facepalm*

I am processing the grief of losing a child to an ectopic pregnancy that almost killed me. It was located along the abdominal wall, of all places. During that disaster, I nearly lost my entire blood supply. And I definitely lost a fallopian tube, an ovary, part of my bowel, and my appendix. Adding fuel to that dumpster fire, I also had a stroke. It was a messy situation. And, in so many ways, it still is a messy situation. Especially my emotions.

The Hope

My husband and I hoped for a child for a long time. After a lot of waiting, we got pregnant. We had a lot of hope for the future of our family. It was supposed to be a wonderful dream come true. Instead, it was a miserable nightmare. I was dreadfully uncomfortable and in perpetual pain during most of my pregnancy. I was not enjoying myself.

I did the typical thing many pregnant people do these days. I guarded my heart until week 12. I didn’t want to get too excited for the future till I passed that magic mark in the pregnancy timeline when miscarriage becomes less likely. I didn’t let myself believe it was real till week 12. But then I did. For two weeks, I really did have so much hope for the future. But it all met it’s bitter end in week 14.

I fell unconscious — in the arms of my husband — in a parking lot on a very cold day in January. I awoke (still cold), heavily medicated, in an ICU room, surrounded by people who loved me, an arsenal of nurses and doctors, and a chorus of confusion and questions swirling through my mind.

Questions like: What day is it? It’s February? What happened to the end of January? How did I get here? Do my friends know? Does my employer know? Why am I in so much pain? Why am I tethered to this bed? Oh no! Is the baby ok? He isn’t ok? He? We were having a boy? We lost him? I had surgery? Oh? Two surgeries? They removed how many organs? I lost how much blood? I almost died? What? Why can’t I see the lower left side of my vision? Huh? How? What?

My husband and family had to tell me the story of what happened like 40 times. Each time I awoke from my sedated state, I didn’t remember the details of what happened. So they told me the heartbreaking tale dozens of times. It was rough. On the story tellers. And on the story hearer. Eventually, I started remembering what they were telling me. But after I remembered, I wished I could forget, or read a different story.

Several months of recovery and several thousands of dollars in medical bills later, here I sit.

The Hope Deferred

Though my hope — and my life — were nearly snuffed out, an ember of each remained. With tender stewarding, they grew brighter and stronger. God sustained my life. Countless people encouraged me during that dark time. The prayers of so many gave me the strength to carry on.

Hope has been deferred, delayed, and nearly destroyed. But it remains.

I will continue trying to get well soon. One prayer at a time. One day at a time. One blog at a time.

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Culture, Dominican Republic, God, Prophetic Vision, Unity/Community, Writing

Foreign Impressions On My Domestic Life

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In the previous post, you read an abridged version of what generally went down on my mission trip to the Dominican Republic. This blog is specifically about how I was affected personally. I’ll discuss what I was hoping for going into the trip, what happened while there and where I am now. I’ll try to go in order with each of the three sections so it’s easier to follow the progression. We’ll see how it pans out.

What I Was Hoping For Going Into the Trip

* Greater clarity for my future
* Build better relationships with the other Frontline young adults
* Grow in compassion for missions and evangelism
* Reduce my dependence on convenient, comfortable living (i.e. sleeping and food conditions)
* Become a more proficient Spanish speaker
* Grow in greater intimacy with the Lord

What Happened While There

* Greater clarity – I received clear evidence that I speak prophetically in the Spirit and that I hear accurately from the Lord. It was confirmed time and time again that the Lord speaks to me and what I share from Him resonates with other people.
* Better relationships with fellow Frontliners – That definitely happened! I was with the same group of people consistently for 12 days. We shared everything, much like the church of Acts. I had several wonderful conversations with numerous different people. While in the DR, the group of us became a family. I love seeing everyone now. Every time we meet up, it’s like a little reunion. We’ve moved beyond surface friends and entered into endearing family.
* Compassion for missions and evangelism – Walking actively in missions and evangelism for several days in a row makes a person grow in that area. I did grow in compassion naturally. It wasn’t forced and it wasn’t arduous. Because of the Holy Spirit, it was easy to serve together with the rest of the team in these areas. Yes, I got tired sometimes, but I enjoyed all of the evangelistic things we did.
* Convenient, comfortable living – After showering in cold, contaminated water, I slept in my own sweat on a thin, foam mat in a non-air conditioned room. I ate a bunch of strange food. I couldn’t flush my toilet paper. It wasn’t convenient and it wasn’t comfortable. But I did not complain. Rather, I just accepted it for what it was and continued on.
* Spanish speaking – I didn’t know a lot of Spanish before I left. I still don’t know that much. However, it was great to use all the stuff I’d learned in my Spanish classes in a real-time. I am continuing to study Spanish as often as possible. We have lots of Spanish channels on TV. Sometimes I watch the programming. Not the sappy soap operas, though.
* Intimacy with the Lord – Check, check and triple check! My personal time with Jesus was amazing. Our group devos were wonderful. I journaled, worshiped, and…simply…grew. It was great to walk in personal and corporate intimacy with Jesus. Truly awe-inducing.

Where I Am Now

Different. I’m different. I realize how spoiled Americans are. I realize how much money I have even when I feel like I have nothing. I appreciate my pillow top bed immensely. Continuous, hot showers are a celebration. I would go on another mission trip. I don’t feel called to be a full-time foreign missionary. But I do know that I’m constantly on mission with the Spirit wherever I am. I now have better relationship with my Christian brothers. I need a healthy balance of men and women in my community and now I’ve got it.

My perspective has permanently shifted. Thank You, God, for that!